How To Fail At An Esports Tournament

This is it folks the twists and turns of a long wild season have all led to this: The Tales of Titans Spring Classic. – The time has come, the walrus said. – What? – It’s from Alice in Wonderland. – Yeah, I know that, but… Ugh. Whatever.

That’s right Phreak, fans are now pouring into the Arsenic Arena, where in a little over an hour, the most exciting tournament in TOTs history will begin. [Phreak] Hundreds of athletes from across the globe are here all hoping to be the final team standing, when the finall “GG” is called. [Sign voice] Chad Pussy. [JJ Baberams] Many great storylines to follow this year. Can Toxic Shock be the first team to win three major tournaments in a row? [Phreak] And how will South Korean champion Team Zealot respond to the death of their team mascot, Rusty the Goldfish.

[JJ Baberams] And what I am most excited about, will Team Sorcerer redeem themselves for the disaster now known as – the Winter [bleep] show. – [screaming on video] [Phreak] We’ll be entering the realm soon folks. Oh what fun it is to game at a one… mouse open… – [JJ Baberams] You got nothin’.

– Yeah-no. My brain is pudding. – Mhmm. – Don’t touch that mouse, we’ll be right back. [ theme ♪ ] [cell phone chime] [Evan on cell phone] Greg, it’s Evan Sussman. We worked HR together a while back.

Don’t know what you’ve been up to since you quit, but I started an in-app marketing firm and it’s just exploded. We need someone to run the HR department, and you were always great with people. You’re our first choice. Give me a call if you think you’re ready to rejoin the real world for the next big chapter in your life. [chuckles] Bye. – [Becca] Greg, you with us?

– Uh… of course. [Becca] Alright guys, we’ve worked hard. We’ve been through a lot. – I’m ready to win this thing. – Hell yeah.

Let’s [bleep]’em up. – [foreign language] – In it to win it baby. [Alt Trash] Go Team Sorcerer! [Greg] I feel good. As long as nobody drafts that Frankenstein baby guy before I get him.

I mean, as long as nobody drafts Viceroy Dormund. – Nice. – Alright man.

[Becca] Let’s go! Woooo! [Chad] With this whole volcel thing, we probably wouldn’t work out. I was into texturbation for a while, like sexting, but solo. – Sorry, what was your question again?

– Are all of the members of your team here? Oh. Then yes, yeah. Hey, if it isn’t Can’t Girl! Can’t wait to see how you guys blow this one.

[Becca] The only thing getting blown is you by us. I’m going to try that again. We’re going to blow all right… Blow you away Pussy. I see– Mmm.

[Chad sighs] [bleep] them! What’s with the glasses? You look like Bono [bleep] a Sour Patch Kid.

Active polarizing. They’re electric. Illegal to make them in the States, had them imported from Laos. The voltage is [bleep] sick. Sorry though, volcel.

[Charna] Chad, I am so uninterested in you I– [electricity surge] What the hell was that? – [Ron] What was what? – Ron? – Yeah.

Uh… – Later bae. Uh… [stammers] that little thing-thing? That was nothing. So, apparently everybody in the arena is charging their mobile devices right now, so we’re having a mild case of power surges, and I mean mild, like super mild, like left side of the salsa bar mild, like mild-mild.

– Did I say mild? OK. – Let’s not let that be an issue. Or you will be at the far left of the unemployment line. – Is that the front or the back?

– It doesn’t matter! – Yeah-okay. I’ll fix it. – Go now. – I’m going now.

– Go now! – [Ron] I’m going now. Going now. – Christ! Can we get through one tournament without a tech issue.

♪ [audience cheering] [Phreak] We are ready to go here at Arsenic Arena with our first match – between Sorcerer and Danger Kings. – [JJ Baberams] Sorcerer is dominating so far. BluesTraveler has clearly improved a great deal over the past months. [Phreak] Absolutely.

Looks like Sauce has snuck the top lane and he casts indiscriminate flame killing absolutely everybody! GG! ♪ [Chad] Come on focus! – Watch out, watch out!

– Wait-wait. Backup, backup tight. Back’em tight. – [indistinct gameplay chatter] – [Phreak] Toxic Shock is having an – easy time with DankHeist. – [indistinct talking] [DankHeist Member] Why would I follow the wrong call?

– That’s so dumb. – [Phreak] Chad Pussy has an 18:1 KD ratio. [Chad] I’m not even using my hands right now. [Phreak] It looks like he knows what they’re doing before they even do it.

[JJ Baberams] They’re pushing hard. Oh wait, that’s that’s… GG! – [Toxic Shock celebrates] – [overlapping DankHeist arguing] ♪ [Phreak] DaveFu is on a healing spree. i-Ion Electronics Limited is on the ropes.

[JJ Baberams] And Phreak, Ant Girl is going after the kill– Wait, that’s… [JJ Baberams and Phreak] GG! Yeah! Yes! [foreign language] [announcers] GG! GG!

GG! [Toxic Shock celebrates] Uh! Uh! Suck it!

Suck it! ♪ [Becca] OK guys, the semis. This time we’re breaking through. I just want to take a moment to just uh, say thank you to everyone of you. I think the level of cooperation we’ve achieved is remarkable, and I don’t know if you know this, but cooperation comes from the Latin root cooperari which means to make complete.

So literally, we complete us– – OK. – Dude! What? Oh, cherishing our working – relationship is lame somehow? [Chad clapping] – Hey, Chad Pu– Chad.

– Just wanted to say mad respect bro. – You’re pretty good for an old dude. – Thank you. I guess I made a mistake forcing, Ant Girl to sign you. – What are you talking about?

– Oh, you really didn’t think you were their first choice did you? [chuckles] Die Fieri. Hot shit seventeen-year-old. That’s who they really wanted, but I payed him not to join. [giggling] Nice try Chad, but, uh… you can close up shop, because uh…

I am not buying whatever it is that you’re selling. [Becca on cell phone video] When we first met Greg I thought, “Who is this old piece of [bleep]. I mean, he doesn’t know what the [bleep] he’s doing, he dresses like Dilbert, and his handle is based off a band that even my dad thinks is lame.

– [ somber ♪ ] – He plays TOTS like – my dead racist grandma. – [Chad] It gets pretty vulgar after that bro. Um… Look I gotta match, so I can’t be… I have to concentrate.

[Chad] Break a leg Father Time! [chuckles] Old [bleep]. What the?


Ugh! Stupid batteries. ♪ [Phreak] We are down to the best-of-the-best now at the Spring Classic, and JJ there are no taters in these tots. [JJ Baberams] You can just not sometimes, you know? Well, you know what, we’ve got some small issues with the lights, but that’s OK. It seems like our semifinal is just about underway.

It’s Sorcerer versus Team Zealot. – You OK dude? – Fine. [gameplay voice] 3-2-1.

The tale begins! [JJ Baberams] And the tale begins. Who will be competing in the finals against Toxic Shock? [electric surge] [Chad] Hmm. [JJ Baberams] A somewhat shaky start for Sorcerer with rookie BluesTraveler clearly off his game. [gameplay] [Becca] Uh, BluesTraveler, go bot.

BluesTraveler? – Greg, I said go bot! – Be a team player dude. – Oh, a team player like Die Fieri? – Holy [bleep]! What?

– What are you talking about? – I know I wasn’t your first choice. You didn’t want me, because I’m old, and I play like you’re dead racist grandma. OK Greg, look, I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I didn’t say that. Well, I didn’t have to hear it, because I saw it on a video of you talking to Chad.

I mean, the video had audio, so I also heard it! Yes, OK. Greg, initially we wanted somebody else, but it’s not like that now. God, I am a 33 year old man, who lives in a house with teenagers – playing video games all day. – Greg, you are a critical part of this team, OK?

We don’t even care that you’re obsessed with that Dave Matthews guy. [yelling] The name of the lead singer for Blues Traveler is John Popper! [audience gets quiet] [indistinct talking from announcer] Stupid [indistinct] adapter. [Phreak] And they’ve got, the other team unaware– Oh, what a slaughter! I still want to know why the [bleep] Becca was on a video Chad Pussy. Guys, now might not be the best time to– [DaveFu mocking] Guys, now might not be the best time to– Shut up nerd!


I knew knew it. You guys think I’m a nerd just because I have a waifu, and I collect swords, and I draw Sonic the Hedgehog fan art? You know what? Screw you and screw you… [Phreak] The conversation between Sorcerer looks to have gotten pretty heated JJ. [JJ Baberams] Oh yeah. They’re fighting.

We’re in a match! We’re in a match! [shouting angrily] – [DaveFu] That’s right!

– [Greg] …and since grandma is so good at– [Becca] Greg, this is not the time… …resume her body, and have her play this game. – Let’s go. – [electric buzzing] – [shouting] – Sit down! [electric surge] [Greg] And I’m [bleep] done with all of this!

[loud click]

[Charna using profanity in distance] Hi! Hi! Hi! – Is everyone having fun? – [audience member] Come on.

How about a hand for concessions, right? Try the soft pretzels, – if you haven’t. [Charna] Yeah OK, um… We are experiencing technical difficulties, but we will be back up and running again in no time. Quick reminder, uh, passes are non-refundable, so… – [audience booing] – Yeah. [Charna whispering] I should’ve taken that job at Postmates.

Look, Greg I know you’re upset, between you, please just– – It’s a sign. – What? The lights. What am I doing playing video games at a tournament that is so unprofessional – that the lights can just go out?

– [DaveFu] Yo, that’s not how it’s– You know what Dave? Actually, I don’t– I don’t wanna hear it. I-I get it. I’m like the guy on the Quaker Oats box, or whatever, but um, I’m not doing this anymore.

Sorry guys. I quit. Greg!

[Becca sighs] Well [bleep]! Quaker Oat guy is not bad. What? He said it.